Matt's 1st Angel Day

[connie]

Dear Maggie,
I wanted to post earlier in case you checked in, but couldn't get to my computer. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and Matt today. I'm lighting a candle in Matt's honor, hoping you can feel his love all around you today and every day. Big hugs.

[Matt's Survivor Mom]

Thank you Connie. It was a hard day for me. The kids came out and we had dinner - with the help of one of the boys that wrestled with Matt for years - we got out all the medals and shirts and stuff and we went through them and talked about each one that we could remember. I let the little ones and well all of the boys pick a medal to keep if they wanted. We watched his last wrestling matches on tape - we talked about stuff. It's funny -that morning my printer did the same thing and printed out the same little smiley face for no reason I could see. I have a stack of them from over the last month - I told my daughter about this quietly -because some people tend to discount things. She told her husband and of course he said it was virus and was going to fix it. I told him no thanks. And the printer started up again as we were talking - and stopped (as usual) with the attention light flashing and I told my daughter to push the OK button and she pushed the off button instead, by mistake. I thought she had lost this and I was going to show her. I went over and turned it back on and it finished printing - and once again it was a smiley face in the corner but only this time there was a heart as well. I showed her and she said nothing and I told her to just drop the matter and I did not need my printer 'fixed.' Does anyone find themselves being angry at their lost child because of them being gone? My son had a car accident - he was alone, early morning hours, he was probably texting? He was probably driving too fast? He was not wearing his seat belt. I remember telling him that Tuesday before the accident on Saturday when we were leaving the house and he was driving to put on his seat belt - instead he tucked it under his left leg and told me not to worry about it - I became very stern with him and told him to put it on - and he told me I worry too much and I remember breaking down and being tearful and said to him that I would not know what I would do if something happened to him - would he please wear the belt -of course he did not. I am so angry at him for this. There is no explanation for why his vehicle left the road and overturned at least 5 times - there were skid marks leading off the road - it was very cold and snowy and it was said that the roads were slick with black ice in spots? No one was there and he was not found the estimated for about 2 and half hours. The temperature was 5 degrees and the wind chill was -30. I don't like this feeling angry at him but I am. And I am so numb at times I don't feel a thing. I did not start to get angry with him like this until after everyone went home on Sunday. I think it has something to do with one of the boys telling me that they felt so much guilt since that night because he had been with Matt and that Matt had just dropped him off and that boy thinks he should not have gotten out and stayed with Matt and that boy has been tortured with the guilt of Matt's death since then and that he was afraid to tell me because he thought I would be mad at him and hate him. Which is so far from the truth. I am so angry at Matt for casuing this boy to feel so bad for so long. Please let me know if you understand what I am saying here. I am trying so hard to figure out why I feel this way. I love my son more than life it self. I don't want to be angry at him and I want to forgive him. I have and then I take it back all over again. He was imperfectly perfect? Does that make sense? Thank yo so much for you caring for me when you don't even know me. One day I want to be like you and be caring for others and not so much focusing on just me.

[grayday]

Dear Maggie,
I am so sorry you lost your Matt. Thank you for sharing your true feelings. My daughter has been gone for 41 months. Yes, I have felt angry toward her, toward myself. I have felt every emotion. It takes a lot of courage to admit all those feelings. I think most mothers go through the range of emotions. The if only's and the guilt . Life moves forward but most days are just the same a day without her. I wish you some peace and send a gentle hug mother to mother.

love,
Gray

[Matt's Survivor Mom]

Thank you for the hug I needed that gray! I got up this morning after a day and night and another day of feeling so dragged down - I feel better somewhat. I am getting ready to go to work today and I don't feel as hopeless? Or as angry as I have - maybe today will be better and coming here and hearing words of comfort and hope can do amazing things to lift me up and keep my head up. Thank you for your strength. - maggie P. S. I woke up and there was another sheet of paper in the printer tray with the smiley - virus or not - It is good.

[judyangyalfy]

I too had some days of anger toward Brent for not paying attention to the most important rule of diving, and that is to always stay with your buddy. Brent's dive buddy went up to the boat and left him 100 feet down but Brent also chose to not ascend with his buddy. Had his buddy been nearby, he might have been able to save him when something caused him to lose consciousness and we won't know the answer to that. I am grateful he did not struggle at all. Clearly, he simply went to sleep in the arms of the Atlantic Ocean and crossed over to his new life. Fortunately for me, I was not angry with him for long and not angry with his buddy at all. In this grief process I have felt every emotion known to humans, questioned every belief system and experienced the deepest sorrow, deeper than what I could have imagined a bereaved parent could experience. I have let go of all my spiritual beliefs and that was terrifying as I leaned so heavily on a system that was taught to me by my parents and church leaders. It has been 13 months now. I am proud of the way I have handled this devestating loss, only surviving it because I know that my son still exists and that he can communicate with me. I believe that he is safe andhappy and continues his spiritual growth without the encumbrance of ego. I feel his presence at times though there are "dry spells" when I wonder if he will ever return to me. I have seen him and heard his voice in my meditation and occasionally in my dreams. I feel his presence fairly often, especially the week of his angelversary. He brought his dad, sister, and twin brother and I an immense amount of peace that week because we felt him close to us. We are beginning to speak of him without gutwrenching pain. Still, I miss him so much that there is nothing to do but just miss him. Missing Brent and all our beautiful angel children, Judy

[Matt's Survivor Mom]

thank you judy - I could have not said it, but you said it for me - there's is nothing to do now BUT JUST MISS THEM. And I do miss him and I miss all the children - I have started looking forward to being able to slow down and miss them - I miss signs - it has been a while, but not that long probably - but I like signs that come regularly, lol. He was my life. my focus. thank you again for reading your posts helps me so much. - Maggie

[journeymom]

I am sorry I haven't posted for a while. I have been away and had limited access to a computer but I wanted to touch base with everyone. It seems the dry spells come and go and
I believe there is a reason though I don't know what. I feel the ache in your heart Maggie, I have felt it so many times. If I could, I would touch your hand and let you know that I understand but since I can't physically do that please accept my wish for peace and joy to return to your life. I will light a candle for your precious Matt as I light one for my children.
As one grieving Mother to another, I know for certain our children are still with us.
Peace
Dorothy

[Jane~Rhiannon's mom]

Hi Maggie - the best advice I can give is Talk to him. Tell him of your feelings, your anger, then your guilt over your anger, your love in spite of your anger. I bet he is angry at himself for causing you so much pain. Let him say that to you. He will. When something comes to you suddenly, when you question "is that just me thinking that or is it really him?" It's him. Trust, believe.

Jane~Rhiannon's mom

[Matt's Survivor Mom]

I so appreciate your help and advice - and support. Thank you, Jane and everyone. In the back of my mind I think he will be coming home soon - and then I realise he's not. It catches me unaware - like looking in the fridge and seeing the last bottle of Dr Pepper - and thinking - got to get some more -I will save that for Matt - and then I realise he's not - I still have that bottle pushed clear to the back - I tell myself - it's for him. I miss him so -