Suicide is not a choice

[pgooden]

It has been 5 1/2 years since my sister committed suicide and since she was my best friend and my co-worker for 19 years the loss was crippling, to have to go to work every day and see the empty desk, to try and keep my niece and nephews and brother in law in one piece was almost impossible and to listen to the comments from other family members and people we knew was so horrible, is so horrible. Once someone finds out that you have had a suicide somehow, someway there will always be a comment you weren't supposed to hear but did. It takes great restraint to keep from walking up to them to shut up, don't comment on things you can't possibly understand takes a lot of control.

Worse yet is the family members who say things like what a selfish thing to do, those poor kids, they were 14, 16, and 21. Poor George (her husband), oh I will go along with the damage it did to the kids and her husband and the rest of us, there is no way to measure the feelings we have, we could barely stand up on our own but I understood, 100%. I spent 8 hours a day 5 days a week and weekends going to dinner, being on a bowling league on Wednesday and Saturday nights, playing softball on the same team for years, going to the Casino together, Detroit Tiger Ball Games, we spent more time together than we spent with anyone else. She was 43 when she hung herself, I had just turned 50. My birthday was on 10/13 and she died on 10/24. She became very reclusive before it happened, I couldn't get her on the phone, when I went to her house she was always in the bedroom asleep. She slept after work until early AM and wandered the house from 2AM until everyone started getting up. Then she would get ready and leave for work. The early AM of the day she died she waited up for her oldest son, Chris, to come in from his date to sit and talk with him because she knew it was her last chance. He didn't. He went to bed and she logged on the computer, checked her Lottery Ticket, walked out the door wall onto the deck to the garage and did it. The police said she did it with such accuracy she had been planning it for quite some time.

She had made other attempts but failed so she made sure she didn't miss this time. She suffered from Bi-Polar Type II disorder. Her depressive state was total darkness and her mania was just a normal mood for a healthy person. She never had true mania. That is the most striking difference between Type I and Type II disorders, also a minimum of 15% of type II's will follow through, type I's rarely are successful. They do both hate to take their medication.

There is a Simon and Garfunkel song I associate with us and it can't happen now but the 2nd half

Time it was and what a time it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago it must be
I have a photograph
Preserve your memory
Thant's all that's left you.

I know she is still with me in some ways, I don't get many signs of her presence but I feel that is what she saves for her children and her husband. We had our time together for which I am eternally grateful and now our time apart for which I will be eternally sad, I miss her more than words can say. I hurt in a way that is indescribable, too painful to communicate and will always wonder what could I have done to save her.

I don't know for certain if she visited my mom when she died 2 months later due to a "doctors" error but I know my dad and my maternal grandmother did. She came in to our oldest sister's room at the hospital when she was dying of colon cancer and didn't speak but just sat in the chair next to her bed and smiled at her with a glow around her, and she visited our niece Anne who died on September 5, 2009. It brings me comfort to know that she will come for me as well along with my son, my parents and who knows who.

I wish everyone could understand that suicide isn't a choice, the brain shuts down and can no longer make decisions and the disease takes over and as they complete the act they are not aware of what they are doing. They are no longer in control of their actions and their lack of control of their actions leads to their death. The person they were is already gone before they complete the suicide. It is just the shell of the person they were doing whatever is the way the end life. I can never do anything but be happy for her chance at happiness after 43 years of sadness. She has found her way "out of the darkness".

I hope this helps someone dealing with a suicide, and please love the person, don't blame them, it is not their choice.

Pat Gooden

[Sandy]

An amazing message Pat, thank you.

[Jan Keith]

Hi

My 18 year old daughter committed suicide on the 13/10/2009, I have always been a believer in the after life and now have a collection of books which is now my only comfort. I was first given one of John Edwards books that mentioned Sandy's book, which I had to order from overseas as I live in Australia and the book stores I had tried didn't have it and couldn't get it in. My journey now is finding a way that I can have contact, notice the signs, whatever it is I need to do. My daughter would talk or text every day over the phone when we where apart and now its been 4 months and nothing, although I have had some very special dreams.

Its interesting that you say they are all ready gone before they die, I do believe this with this disease, even though Jacinta was up and down with her emotions, towards the end she seemed distant at times.

I have sourced a really good medium hear in Australia and have read her books, she has had many losses in her life including her daughter. My sister and I are off to one of her shows in a couple of weeks and I have also booked to go to one of her retreats in August. The retreat is designed to raise vibrations, learn about afterlife etc but also forgivness and how to move on from the death of a loved one.

[pgooden]

Jan,
I am going to try this again, It disappeared the last time. I have something that might give you a validation that your daughter is indeed trying to communicate with you, my birthday is 13 Oct, I lost my only child, my son David so I too know the pain of losing a child, and I have lost someone I adored with all my heart and soul, my sister Terry, to suicide on 24/Oct/2004.

Please watch for the little signs as well as big signs from your daughter. It may only be a scent in the air, a feeling that you could turn around and she would be there, that feeling you had when you were together, there may be a song that comes on the radio when you are thinking of her just at that second, you may see something you used to share where you wouldn't normally see it, or you may have a dream that is so real it is as if you are together because you are. Dream visits are so clear because all your defenses are down and they are more able to communicate with us. I have them all the tiime with all my family members I was close to all the time.

My oldest sister's only surviving daughter is allowing her 21 year old nephews (my great nephews) to live with her, it has been a difficult time for all of them and they have just completed moving from a large gorgeous house to a townhouse that is much smaller. Debbie, my niece, attempted suicide in August 2009 and then her sister Anne, the nephews mom died on September 5th, 2009 and so she has lost her parents, her sisters, my mom (her grandmother) all in a very short time. We are all shell shocked but the twins make life hard on Debbie and likewise she makes life hard on them. I had a dream visit from my sisiter on Sunday night and she was asking me about things I was supposed to get from Debbie and mail, I told her Debbie didn't give them to me and we were standing in the church we attended when we were younger though she was 12 years older than me. This was referring to the move and lease papers and she became very upset, started crying and collapsed on her way out the door. I tried to console her but it was not working, I told her I would do my best. I think her visit also wanted me to watch over her grandsons whom she adored. They were her life.

I want to share another reason why I feel that my other sister Terry who was only 43 would not have taken her own life. She adored her children, could not go out of town without them without becoming very upset about being away. There is no way she would have taken her chances to share them getting married, having children, etc. by her own hand and miss those celebrations while still alive, no way in this world she would do that. She had Bi-Polar Type II and as it grew closer to the time she died she became more reclusive, less able to function.

Discussing this with a psychiatrist friend of mine, he agreed that the part of the person who takes their life is what is left after the whole person as we knew them is already gone. There are those professionals who will always hold on to the old school beliefs, but hopefully people will begin to realize it is the same as passing from colon cancer as my oldest sister, heart disease like my dad, etc. The stigma of suicide is ridiculous, there should be no shame associated with a person passing in this manner, no more than any other death just that it is sudden and unexpected. This is nothing you should blame yourself for or feel guilt or shame for. It is horrible for those of us left behind because of the stigma that has been there forever but there has never been a second that I felt that about Terry, I miss her, I will miss her all the days of my life, I loved her then, I love her now and I take no shame or guilt in admitting how she died. Just keep in mind what the suicide groups call it, "out of the darkness". The darkness was the end of their lives, the sadness, the depression and they pass into a life of happiness and joy that they couldn't have here due to an illness.

Think of her that way and watch for the signs,..they will be there.

Pat Gooden

[Jan Keith]

Thank you, I know in my heart that she would be trying to get me to notice her.
I had a really special dream the other night. Jacinta was sitting amongst friends and she was telling a big story and rambling on and I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying, however I thought i could sit and listen to her voice for hours. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her sooooo much and told her to never ever leave me. She hugged me and gave me a big kiss on the cheek, It felt so real that i awoke thinking that my husband was kissing me on the cheek, but he was facing the wall and asleep.

[pgooden]

Jan,
How very special your experience was. That was a visit. I am so glad that you were able to have a kiss and confirmation of her love for you. My husband had the same experience with my sister Terry. I was so jealous, not really, I was happy he was visited and got a kiss from her. I was outside with my dog and I came in he was crying ever so slightly and told me he had nodded off and woke when Terry kissed him so lightly. I have never had that experience but I have felt someone touching my cheek, touching my hair. Treasure this experience and think of it often. It will help you through those days that are a little harder to get through. I am so happy for you.

Believe

[Maureen]

My daughter died Nov 27 2009 from suicide, she was a new user of zoloft and thank you for describing your belief about suicide. I too feel that my daughter was not herself when she died. I know it was the zoloft--has a long history of suicide connection. I too have been consulting clairvoyants, in my meditations I feel her. I alternate between spiritually feeling her and feeling peace with her, to intense sadness. She was 27 and going through a divorce. Beautiful, fun , vibrant and of course had some issues. It's just under 3 months since she died. I still have not finished clearing out her apt.
It is hard as a parent to not feel that I screwed up how else could I have lost my only child to suicide?
I feel pretty alone in this even though many express their love and support. It's now three months and no one asks any more.

[pgooden]

Maureen,
My deepest sympathies on the loss of your daughter, Zoloft is a dangerous drug to some people, especially teens and young adults but it is in no way, shape or form your fault that she ended her life.

Zoloft has been around for a long time and there are other drugs that are newer, with fewer side effects for some but if she had been taking one of them there is no guarantee that it wouldn't have still happened. Depression in all forms is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Nothing you could not have changed that you could not have stopped from happening if it was going to happen. It is a disease that works along with and also aside from the depression, just like you can't stop cancer from taking a life if it is terminal neither can you stop depression from taking a life if it is terminal.

Zoloft can be a difficult drug to handle and if she told her doctor and he/she did nothing to change her then you might want to see someone on a legal basis about this. There have been past class action lawsuits about medications and if you feel that it was the medication that contributed to her death talk to someone about it. It won't bring your daughter back but it will answer some questions you may have. Look on the internet under class action suits + zoloft to see if there are any you qualify for. I don't know how you can prove it but you can also file a complaint with the state you live in against the physician prescribing it to her. Was she seeing a physician (MD, DO) only or did she have a psychiatrist she sought therapy from?

It is sad that when we lose a loved one there is no end to the people who offer their never ending help to you and then after the formalities are over they all seem to disappear leaving you feeling alone and sad. I know, I lost my only son and it left me feeling like he didn't matter for so long. I felt they didn't want me to mention him either, that they wanted to pretend it never happened and I know only too well how deep that hurt runs.

Not having anyone to help you with her apartment and removing her personal belongings is so sad. Sometimes you have to ask for the help, if it is not forthcoming. Ask a close relative or a very close friend. Again, they may think it is something so personal you want to do it at your own pace and in your own way. I have done it so much alone it is hard but I do it and remember what every item was from or what occasion it is connected to, it makes it easier and brings up some beautiful memories. But first try and find someone to help if you are not comfortable being there alone or doing it alone.

When my son died I did it alone, walking to and from the dumpster in our apartment complex in the pouring rain, numb and in disbelief that this horrible thing had happened to me. My husband was at the funeral home and I was at the apartment, we were both alone in our own hell. I was in a state of shock or a long time, at first I couldn't talk at all, he died in his sleep and I found him. My husband was in the Army at the time and we lived on the border of Tennessee and Kentucky. Our families were in Michigan. Afterward my family didn't mention him either. It was just before Christmas. They went on as if nothing happened, and they didn't mention him for many years. I went through the grief alone, never felt comfortable bringing him up in a conversation, later I found out that they felt the same. I thought they just forogt he existed and the truth was they didn't want to upset me.

Don't take their silence as uncaring or unfeeling about the loss of your daughter, it could be like me, they don't want to upset you. Try talking to someone you feel close to and see how it goes, it could be that they need to talk about her too.

We talk about my sisters, my parents, and others often. There is a sadness accompanying it but there is also laughter at some of the funny things they did over the years. So, don't avoid talking with them, see if they are receptive and share her life with you in conversation when you need to talk, don't wait for them to do it. If they aren't receptive at least you will know and can seek out a support group like Forever Families. But don't torture yourself thinking they don't care about you or about her, I am sure they care very deeply.

I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers that you find some peace and comfort.

[kaitymai]

My 23 year old son died on Nov. 25/07 by suicide. He'd had a mild anxiety disorder all his life and it had worsened somewhat when he moved away to go to college. He'd found out that his friend went on antidepressants for anxiety so he thought he would try the same route and not have to deal with the anxiety anymore. He was prescribed the antidepressant Remeron. Suicidal thoughts in young adults is one of its side effects. After a month on Remeron , according to the doctors notes,he started showing signs of depression. After two months he was dead. He shot himself with his hunting rifle. I had the doctor investigated by the College of Physicians and Surgeons. They came as close as they could to agreeing with me that it was the medication that caused him to suicide, without actually admitting it. The doctor was told of my concerns and she apparently changed the way she practiced. As she was the doctor who dealt with mental health issues at a community college she asked that a Psychiatrist be brought in so she could refer patients to him when they might need antidepressants or other such medications. Maybe it wasn't much but it was a start to awakening awareness of the dangerous effects antidepressants can have on some people.
I've never been angry at my son, Nathan...I couldn't be angry, I love him too much. He was in a dark place and thought his only way out was death. I believe that now he is in a very happy place and sends me signs occasionally and has visited me in dreams 3 times. The dreams always ended with a big hug from him that felt so real. I've had 2 readings from a medium and got amazing validation of Nathan's continued existence. I have a huge collection of books on afterlife, at the beginning that's all I read. After 2 years and 3 months it's a little bit easier but I still miss having Nathan here physically so much. I guess it'll be that way for the rest of my life.
My heart goes out to all of you who've lost someone to suicide. Unfortunately the stigma of suicide gives us survivors an extra hurdle to deal with. Wishing you all peaceful moments.

[pgooden]

Well, Katy, let me try that again. I had to take care of something and did not realize after typing for at least 30 minutes that I was logged out again. It has happened before .

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Nathan, and hope you will find some peace knowing he has come to you in your dreams and is making his presence known. I know what a comforting feeling that can be in the midst of such a difficult time. I have dreams/visits regularly, not from my son but from my parents, sisters, and am always so thankful for the communication. I was told by 2 psychics who had no idea I had any children living or passed that I had two gold stars that are always with me. One, my son and the other a miscarriage I had 3 months after his death. My husband and I had a connected dream about our son once and we both dreamed of him looking exactly the same but not as a baby any longer but someone in their late 20's or early 30's. I couldn't believe we both saw him with the same physical features. It was a wonderful gift just as your dream visits are and the times you feel his presence.

Anti-depressants are such a terrible drug when not administered and monitored properly, especially in someone your son's age. When my sister committed suicide and left 3 children aged 14, 16 and 21 behind they went to counseling and given medication. Their doctor kept switching the medication until it was something they could tolerate, all different but suitable for each one of them. It was touch and go for a long time especially for my 14 year old niece and 16 year old nephew, I was sure we were going to lose them too. A child of someone who has taken their own life have a far greater chance of repeating their parents actions than children of others. Her children are now 19, 22 and 26 and they have all become more stable except for the 22 year old nephew.

I am so glad you went after the doctor and brought the use of anti-depressants by those in his age group as such a danger. I know it took great courage to go through that ordeal, I did it when my mother died due to a doctors error, I came so close to having sanctions put on him and the hospital but they found her care to be poor but within the minimal limits allowed. I fought them for 3 years, I don't feel I lost the battle I feel I made them more aware that elderly patients need the same quality of care as someone much younger. I know all the meetings and correspondence were awful but I had to try and sanction the doctor and the nursing staff for their lack of care. We went round and round when she was in their care and every tear I cried was well worth the lessons I hope they learned.

Please know that you could not have stopped this from happening, no more than I could stop my son from passing. It is hard to overcome what I would refer to as ignorant or unfeeling people say or do when you lose someone to suicide. The accusations against my sister for taking her life with 3 children and a husband were horrible even though she had suffered from Type II Bi-Polar disorder for decades. My sister cried when she went away from home for 3 days on a trip to Las Vegas because she missed her children, there is no way she would do anything to leave them permanently that is why I feel so strongly that suicide is not a choice.

I hope that you are able to find peace and know your son will always be with you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[judyangyalfy]

To all of you who posted, I just want to thank you so much for sharing your experience strength and hope regarding death by suicide. You have really enlightened me. I am a college campus nurse and have noted that anxiety and depression are common among our students. I always take it very serious and always give these kids all the time they need to talk with me. I wish that you all could collaborate on a book. Many people need to hear this message. I will now be equipped to speak out when I hear someone say how "selfish" that person was to take his or her own life. George Anderson, the famous medium, calls suicide a terminal illness. My son died by drowning. We will miss them forever. Judy